How We Break the Cycle as Parents
Have you ever found yourself reacting in ways you swore you never would? Maybe you’re overwhelmed by your child’s big emotions, emotionally unavailable when they need comfort, or caught in a push-pull dynamic that confuses you. It might not make sense in the moment... until you trace it back to your own childhood.
The way we attach to others, especially to our child, is often shaped by how we were parented. This is where attachment theory and generational patterns intersect.
Did you know that attachment styles can be passed down? We can still build secure attachment as a parent (even when you didn’t experience it yourself), and begin healing the cycle.
What Is an Attachment Style?
Your attachment style is the internal blueprint your nervous system uses to interpret relationships. It develops in early childhood through repeated interactions with your primary caregivers (mum, dad, step-parent, foster parent, grandparent, etc whoever raised you).
Did your caregivers respond consistently when you were upset?
Did they comfort you?
Did they create safety, both emotionally and physically?
If so, your system likely developed secure attachment. But if your needs were met inconsistently, with neglect, fear, emotional unavailability, or chaos, you may have developed an insecure attachment style as an adaptive survival response.
The Three Insecure Attachment Styles
There are three primary insecure attachment styles, each with distinct patterns in adult relationships and parenting:
1. Anxious Attachment
You crave closeness but fear abandonment.
You may overfunction in relationships or constantly question your worth.
As a parent, this can look like hypervigilance, needing reassurance that you’re “doing it right,” or becoming overwhelmed by your child’s needs.
2. Avoidant Attachment
You value independence and often suppress your emotional needs.
Intimacy can feel threatening.
As a parent, you might find it hard to respond emotionally to your child or feel uncomfortable with their vulnerability.
3. Disorganised Attachment
You experience a push-pull between craving connection and fearing it.
This often stems from trauma, abuse, or severely inconsistent caregiving.
As a parent, this might show up as unpredictability; being nurturing one moment and withdrawing the next, often driven by deep fear or reactivity.
How These Patterns Are Passed Down
Attachment is relationally transmitted. This means we tend to recreate what we know, not because we want to, but because it’s wired into our nervous system.
Without awareness and healing, these unconscious patterns can resurface in how we respond to our child’s needs, manage stress, set boundaries, or navigate closeness.
The heartbreaking part? We often only realise we’re repeating patterns when it’s already happening.
But the hopeful part? We can interrupt and rewire these patterns.
What Does Secure Attachment Look Like?
Secure attachment isn’t about perfection! It’s about consistency, responsiveness, and repair.
A securely attached child learns:
“My emotions are welcome.”
“I’m not alone in my distress.”
“When something goes wrong, we can make it right.”
As a parent, secure attachment looks like:
Tuning into your child’s emotional world
Comforting them when they’re distressed
Repairing after moments of conflict or mistakes
Creating safety through connection, not control
This is the foundation for emotional resilience and relational safety.
Parenting Securely When You Didn’t Experience It
If you didn’t grow up with secure attachment, you may feel like you’re navigating without a map. You may feel grief for what you didn’t receive, fear of “messing it up,” or confusion about what healthy connection really looks like.
That’s valid. And it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to repeat the past.
With support, reflection, and nervous system awareness, you can become what’s known as an “earned secure” adult - someone who has developed secure attachment through healing and relational safety.
This is the work of reparenting yourself while parenting your child, and it’s powerful.
Breaking the Cycle
Here’s what helps:
Awareness: Noticing your triggers and patterns without judgment
Self-compassion: Reminding yourself this is hard, tender work
Nervous system support: Practising regulation and grounding
Repair: Learning to reconnect after disconnection
Therapeutic support: Especially with a counsellor who understands trauma, attachment, and your unique neurotype
You are not broken. You are healing.
And every small step you take toward secure connection matters for your child and for you/your inner child still inside of you.
Breaking attachment cycles is generational healing.
It takes courage, vulnerability, and care.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
I offer trauma-informed counselling for parents navigating their own attachment wounds while raising emotionally secure children.
Learn more or book a session here.
