Children don’t always have the words to express how they feel. Instead, they communicate through their behaviours (tantrums, defiance, withdrawal, aggression). When we shift our perspective from "bad behaviour" to "communication," and "attention seeking" to "connection seeking", we can respond with empathy and guidance rather than frustration.

By understanding the why behind our child's behaviours, we can build deeper connections with them and help them develop essential emotional and social skills.

Behaviour as Communication

Children often act out when they feel overwhelmed, misunderstood, or unable to express their emotions. Some common reasons behind challenging behaviours include:

• Unmet Needs: Hunger, tiredness, sensory overload, or a need for connection.
• Big Emotions: Feelings like frustration, sadness, or anxiety that they don’t yet know how to regulate.
• Lack of Skills: Difficulty with problem-solving, impulse control, or self-expression.
• Seeking Connection: Negative attention is still attention. Sometimes, a child acts out to engage with a caregiver.

Instead of reacting with punishment, we can pause and ask: What is my child trying to tell me? What is their unmet need right now?

Setting Effective and Compassionate Boundaries

Boundaries help children feel safe and understood. But not all boundaries are created equal. Harsh, authoritarian approaches can damage trust, while permissive parenting can leave children feeling lost and overwhelmed.

Keys to Setting Effective Boundaries:

1. Be Clear and Consistent – “Hitting is not okay. If you’re upset, let’s use words instead.”
2. Acknowledge Their Feelings – “I see that you're really frustrated. It's okay to feel that way, but we can’t throw toys.”
3. Offer Choices When Possible – “You can either hold my hand or walk beside me in the store.”
4. Follow Through with Logical Consequences – If a child refuses to put on shoes, they can’t go outside until they do.

When children feel heard and respected, they are more likely to cooperate and internalise healthy limits.

Encouraging Cooperation Through Positive Reinforcement

Punishment often teaches children to fear consequences rather than develop self-discipline. Instead, positive reinforcement focuses on recognising and encouraging the behaviours we want to see more of.

Effective Positive Reinforcement Techniques:

• Descriptive Praise – Instead of “Good job,” try “I love how you shared your toy with your brother!”
• Reward Effort, Not Just Results – Celebrate persistence: “I saw you trying really hard to tie your shoes!”
• Use Visual Charts or Token Systems – Great for younger children who benefit from tangible motivation.
• Model the Behaviour – Show kindness, patience, and problem-solving skills in your own interactions.

The goal isn’t to bribe children but to reinforce positive habits that will serve them for life. Everyone is different so sometimes it takes trial and error before you find the right fit for you and your child.

When we recognise behaviour as communication, we shift from reacting to responding with intention. By setting clear boundaries, validating emotions, and using positive reinforcement, we help children develop emotional intelligence, self-regulation, and cooperative skills that benefit them throughout life.

💬 What’s a behaviour your child does that you now see as communication?

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