Why Emotional Regulation Matters in Childhood

Emotional regulation is a fundamental skill that sets the foundation for a child’s well-being, relationships, and success in life. It’s the ability to understand, manage, and express emotions in healthy ways, especially when faced with challenges. When children struggle with emotional regulation, they may have frequent meltdowns, difficulty coping with stress, or trouble communicating their needs.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from difficulties, adapt to change, and navigate life’s ups and downs with confidence. A child who is emotionally regulated is more likely to develop resilience, as they are equipped with the tools to handle stress, frustration, and disappointment.

But here’s the thing—kids don’t learn emotional regulation naturally. It’s a skill that is taught, modelled, and reinforced by caregivers. As parents, we can help children regulate their emotions by using co-regulation strategies, modelling self-regulation, and teaching them healthy coping skills.

Understanding Emotional Regulation & Co-Regulation

Emotional regulation is not about suppressing emotions—it’s about recognising, processing, and responding to them appropriately. Co-regulation is the process where children learn self-regulation through supportive interactions with caregivers. This means that before children can regulate their own emotions, we must help them do it first.

What Emotional Regulation Looks Like at Different Ages

• Babies & Toddlers (0-3 years): Rely completely on caregivers to soothe them.
• Preschoolers (3-5 years): Begin to name emotions but still need a lot of help calming down.
• School-Aged Children (6-10 years): Can start using learned coping skills but still benefit from guidance.
• Tweens & Teens (11+ years): Should have a toolkit of emotional regulation strategies but still need support in moments of high stress.
• Adulthood: Healthy relationships involve communication, empathy, and support. We need both the ability to be with our feelings and have someone be with us in them.

How to Help Your Child Regulate Their Emotions

1. Validate Their Emotions First

When children experience big emotions, their brain goes into fight-or-flight mode, and rational thinking shuts down. Before they can learn regulation, they first need to feel heard and understood.

🚫 Avoid saying: “Calm down! It’s not a big deal.”
✅ Instead, try: “I see you’re feeling really frustrated. I’m here to help.”

When we validate their emotions, we help them feel safe, which is the first step to calming down.

2. Use Co-Regulation Before Expecting Self-Regulation

Children can’t regulate alone until they’ve had enough practice co-regulating with a trusted adult. This means staying calm, offering comfort, and teaching them how to move through their emotions.

How to co-regulate:

• Get down to their level and use a calm, soothing voice.
• Offer physical comfort (hugs, holding hands, gentle touch).
• Use deep breathing together (“Let’s take a deep breath in and out together.”)
• Provide a safe space (“I’ll sit with you while you’re feeling this.”)

Remember that it is not our job to 'fix' our children or make them happy instead of sad. It's ok and normal to feel a range of emotions. We allow the feeling and let it pass.

3. Teach Coping Skills & Emotional Regulation Techniques

Once a child is calm and receptive, it’s time to introduce regulation strategies. Here are some powerful tools:

🫁 Breathing Exercises: Teach balloon breaths (inhale deeply like blowing up a balloon, exhale slowly).
🤲 Grounding Techniques: Use the 5-4-3-2-1 technique (name 5 things they see, 4 things they feel, etc.).
🎨 Creative Expression: Drawing, journaling, or playing with sensory materials can help kids process emotions.
🏃‍♂️ Movement: Jumping, stretching, or shaking off tension can reset their nervous system.
🎵 Music & Rhythm: Drumming, humming, or singing can regulate emotions through rhythmic patterns.

4. Model Emotional Regulation Yourself

Children learn emotional regulation by watching us. If we react to stress with yelling, frustration, or avoidance, they will too. But when they see us pause, breathe, and express emotions in a healthy way, they’ll mimic those strategies.

👩‍👧 Instead of: “I can’t deal with this right now!”
✅ Try: “I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take a deep breath before we continue.”

5. Build Resilience by Allowing Safe Struggles

Resilience grows when children experience manageable challenges and learn how to work through them. Instead of fixing everything for them, we can encourage problem-solving.

💡 Ways to build resilience:

• Allow children to experience natural consequences in a safe way.
• Encourage a growth mindset (“Mistakes help us learn!”).
• Teach them that emotions don’t last forever.
• Normalise struggles and remind them of past successes.

Handling Meltdowns: What to Do in the Heat of the Moment

When a child is in the middle of a meltdown, logic won’t work. Their brain is overwhelmed, and they need connection, not correction. Here’s what to do:

🔹 Stay Calm – Regulate yourself first. If you react with anger, their stress will escalate.
🔹 Validate Feelings – “I see that you’re feeling really upset right now.”
🔹 Use Few Words – Avoid long explanations in the moment.
🔹 Offer Comfort or Space – Some kids need hugs, while others need space to cool off.
🔹 Reflect Later – Once calm, talk about what happened and what they can do next time.

You Are Your Child’s Emotional Coach

Helping your child regulate their emotions and build resilience is a long-term process. They will have good and bad days, but every meltdown is an opportunity for learning. By offering validation, co-regulation, and coping tools, we empower them to handle life’s challenges with confidence.