The death of a pet can be hard on the child and the entire family. There are ways you can help your child cope, know how to explain death, and help them (and you) say goodbye.
We are pet lovers in our family. At one point, we had 2 dogs and 3 cats. With this responsibility of pet ownership comes the big one that not many people talk about, and that is what to do when a pet dies, and how to explain to your child and help them cope through pet loss.
We experienced our first pet loss when our children were 8 and 5 years old. Our cat, Thor, was a rescue kitten that my husband and I brought home to join us before we were even engaged. He died from cancer despite our best efforts with surgery. So it hit all of us really hard.
Sadly, we had our second experience of pet loss the following year and a half when our children were 9 and 7 years old. Ariel was 19 years old (pretty impressive for a cat!) and I had her since I was 15 years old! I was a child when I got her, and she was with me when I had my own children. How amazing is that?! We felt a bit more confident as parents in how to support our children because we had done it once already, and our children seemed to cope better too as we followed the same steps. I think them knowing what to expect in the grief process helped too, and we had learned the two different ways our children grieved. Because every child is unique and has their own temperament, this is important to keep in mind.
Before our pet loss we experienced a loss in our family when my wonderful Father-in-law passed away, their Pop. So death, grief, and loss has been something our family has had to experience a few times now. Death is a part of life. It is not something we need to fear. It's a normal end to life. It is both painful and beautiful.
63% of children experience pet loss within their first seven years of life *
Death is painful, where we experience the loss of a loved one. It hurts. It sucks! We miss them deeply, and no amount of time together feels like enough.
Death can also be beautiful, where we are reminded to be grateful for our time together. How lucky are we to have loved so much, that we get precious memories to keep in our heart forever.
With this balance in mind, here is what we did personally, and I would recommend as a professional (from a Teacher, School Counsellor, and Therapist) to help a child and family cope with the loss of a pet.
Be Honest and Age-Appropriate
You may need to approach pet loss in two different ways, where one may be a death you are expecting (for example, if the pet is old or sick), or one where it was sudden (for example, a tragic accident).
- Use clear, simple language. Don't be afraid of saying the word 'died'. Sometimes, we are uncomfortable with talking about death. That's ok and normal, but it can be confusing for children to be told they 'went to sleep', and that can strike fear of it happening to them when they sleep. As parents, we are tired enough! So let's not make things harder at bedtime.
- Validate and normalise feelings. A child may feel sad, angry, guilty, or even relieved if the pet was sick or in pain. It's important to normalise the emotional experience, this will also foster resilience as death is something every one of us will experience. It's ok to show your feelings. We let our kids see us cry with them and talked about our sadness and missing the pet too. We grieve together.
- Example of what to say: "Kids, I have something to tell you. *Pet name* is going to die/has died. This is really sad, I'm sad too, and I'm here to help you." ... Cue lots of tears and cuddles. Breathe. This will pass, it's ok and important to sit with these feelings (including yours).
- Maybe there won't be tears, and that's ok too. Depending on their age, it may not affect them too much, or they may need a few days or weeks to process what has happened. Be ready for them to come back to you with feelings, questions, and needing to talk about it.
- You can encourage questions, even if you don't have the answers. I remember my kids asking about what happens after the pet dies. We got both the literal (them asking about the process of where the pet was, who was taking care of them, and cremation, which was what we chose) and spiritual (discussing different beliefs of nothingness, pet heaven, or reincarnation).
- It's ok to let them choose what they want to believe in, and that they can decide or even change their mind as they grow older. If your family or culture has strong beliefs, you can use this moment to teach and discuss your religious, spiritual, or cultural aspects or rituals with death.
- Where possible, maintain any routines. Predictability can be really helpful for kids to have stability in their lives. Keep to regular meal times, bedtimes, and any school or regular activities to help them feel safe. With this in mind, you know your child. Be flexible where needed and ask your child what they need to feel supported by you.
How Children Understand Pet Loss at Different Ages
Toddlers & Preschoolers (ages 2–5)
At this age, children do not yet understand that death is permanent. They may believe their pet will come back, or they may keep asking when they can see them again. You might notice your child suddenly switch from being sad one moment to happily playing the next. That’s normal. Keeping explanations simple, concrete, and repetitive helps, such as: “Our dog died. That means we won’t see them anymore, but we can remember her together.”
School-Aged Children (ages 6–12)
By this stage, children are beginning to grasp that death is final. They may still have many questions, and they might try to understand the “why” behind it all. It’s common for them to express big emotions like sadness, anger, or even guilt. Reassure them that these feelings are normal and that nothing they did caused the loss. Creative outlets such as drawing, writing stories, or sharing memories can be helpful ways for them to process their grief.
Pre-Teens & Teenagers (ages 12+)
Adolescents fully understand that death is permanent, but coping with it can be complicated. They may feel pressure to appear 'grown up' and might worry that their peers won’t take their grief seriously. Some teens may hide their feelings, while others express intense sadness or anger. This is also a time when identity and independence are developing, so the loss of a beloved pet can feel especially destabilising. Let your teen know their grief is valid, no matter their age. Encourage open conversations, journaling, or connecting with supportive friends or mentors to help them navigate their feelings without shame.
Rituals, Memorials, and Creative Expression
Here is a picture of what we set up at home and what we used to help our children cope. To be honest, these helped us too.
- Create a space in your home where you can display pictures of the pet, a scrapbook, any memorabilia such as their collar, photo album, cremation remains, candle, drawings or letters from the child.
- Draw pictures and/or write a letter to the pet. This could be a goodbye of missing them, or a favourite memory.
- Talk about the pet. Share stories that are funny or happy. Remember the good times you had together. Reminisce about the quirks of their personality.
- Use a pet cremation service. (This is a personal choice to make.) We experienced two different businesses in our local area and both were lovely. With each, we received some additional items like a certificate of death, a poem about pet loss, a candle, an angel sculpture, a paw print, and a fur clipping. Everyone we spoke to was compassionate and kind, and we felt really supported during such a difficult time. Each also provided additional resources and information for helplines.
- Read children's books on pet loss. These are a great resource you can buy to keep, borrow from your local library, or watch a read-along on YouTube. I found two books that were really helpful and my kids brought to me during and months after as well.
As an Amazon Associate, I earn commission from qualifying purchases. This does not cost you anything to use, it is simply a way for me to earn more and continue supporting my business so I can keep creating more for you.
- Find a soft toy that resembles your pet. This can bring a lot of comfort to have something tangible to hold and cuddle. For children, play is how they learn and process. Having a toy can also help them express their emotions through play, which is their form of therapy.
Other ideas that we didn't use, but may be right for your family.
- Hold a family ceremony. You can each share your favourite memory of the pet, or plant a tree in memory or to have the pet buried under.
- Say a prayer. If you are religious, you may find comfort in scripture.
- Celebrate their heavenly birthday. Some people still like to follow birth dates, where you can remember your pet and share some cake in memory and celebration of their life.
- Light their memorial candle on events like the pet's birthday or times when your child brings them up and wants to talk about them or to them (some people like to believe the spirit of the pet stays with them).
- Speak to a child mental health professional. For some children, the loss of a pet is as serious as the loss of a loved person. They form deep emotional and physical attachments. You may need to help your child by taking them to see a play therapist or child counsellor or child psychologist. It's ok to seek the help of a mental health professional. This is part of the 'village' we all know we need when raising children.
Signs a child may be struggling with complicated grief:
- Ongoing sleep problems or nightmares
- Intense separation anxiety
- Loss of interest in usual activities
- Prolonged guilt (“it’s my fault”)
Supporting Your Own Grief
As a parent, it is often our job to take care of our children. We must prioritise their wellbeing and needs. However, this should not come at the sacrifice of our own needs too. When a pet dies, especially beloved pets that are treated as a family member, or pets we had before children, it hits us hard too.
- You may feel like you need to be strong for your child, but showing appropriate emotions is also modelling healthy grieving.
- You need to take care of yourself too. Lean on friends, family members, therapy, and support groups. Keep to any self-care activities that help you feel better.
- You don't need to rush this. Grief takes time and it's ok if you need time to grieve too.
Grieving a pet is a real and valid process. They mattered to you. You loved them. You miss them. The death of a pet is painful and it's hard to go through. Loving them was the easy part.
Be mindful to not rush to get a new pet straight away. Losing a pet can feel like a missing part of your family. Or those love feelings you had for your pet can suddenly feel like they have no where to go. It's important to take some time before introducing a new pet. Instead of feeling like it's 'replacing' the pet you lost, you can reframe it as adding a new member to your family. Only you can answer the question of is it better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all? (In Memoriam by Alfred Tennyson)
You can help your child by guiding them with compassion, honesty, stability, and showing your own humanness too. As a parent or caregiver, you can help them cope with the loss of a pet, and coach them through learning resilience and empathy.
Crystal Hardstaff, The Gentle Counsellor, provides a safe haven for healing and understanding. With expertise in Trauma, Attachment Theory, Perinatal Mental Health, and Parenting Support, Crystal offers individual and couple counselling sessions, guiding you through a journey of healing and growth.
Book Counselling with Crystal
Welcome to a Safe Haven of Healing and Understanding
Are you seeking a safe space where your feelings and experiences are not only heard but deeply understood? I'm here to guide you through your journey of healing and growth. With my specialisations in Trauma, Attachment Theory, Perinatal Mental Health, and Parenting Support, I offer individual and couple counselling sessions that address your unique needs.