Understanding Earned Secure Attachment

Attachment styles play a significant role in shaping how we connect with others. Many people believe that attachment styles are fixed for life, but the truth is that attachment is fluid and can change over time. Through self-awareness, intentional healing, and supportive relationships, individuals with insecure attachment styles, whether anxious, avoidant, or disorganised, can develop healthier, more secure ways of relating to others. This transformation is known as earned secure attachment.

One of the biggest myths surrounding attachment theory is the pressure to be a perfect parent to ensure a secure attachment for a child. The reality is that attachment security is built through consistent, responsive caregiving, and not perfection. Parents can make mistakes and still foster secure attachment by repairing and reconnecting with their child after moments of disconnection. Another misconception is that people who have experienced insecure attachment in childhood are doomed to repeat these patterns. However, research shows that attachment styles are not set in stone; individuals can heal and move toward secure attachment through therapy, self-regulation practices, and healthy relationships.

You can read more about Rupture and Repair here.

Common Myths and Truths About Attachment Styles

Myth #1: "Anxiously attached people are just needy and co-dependent."

Truth: Anxious attachment develops when a person’s emotional needs were inconsistently met in childhood. Rather than simply being "needy," anxiously attached individuals often experience deep-seated fears of abandonment due to unpredictable or inconsistent caregiving. They may seek frequent reassurance in relationships, not because they want to be dependent, but because they never learned emotional safety.

Healing Strategies for Anxious Attachment

To help anxious attachment, the goal is to build internal security and self-regulation skills while fostering healthier relationship dynamics.

Co-Regulation Practices:

• Engage in relationships with emotionally responsive people who offer consistent support.
• Express needs clearly rather than through indirect behaviours (e.g., instead of withdrawing or testing a partner, directly say, "I feel anxious when we don’t check in, could we set a time to talk?").
• Develop distress tolerance by delaying the need for immediate reassurance and practising self-soothing techniques.

Self-Regulation & Therapy Tools:

• Inner Child Work: Journaling exercises where you write letters to your younger self, offering the reassurance and love you needed as a child.
• Mindfulness & Grounding Techniques: The 5-4-3-2-1 method (naming five things you see, four you feel, etc.) helps regulate emotions.
• Cognitive Reframing: Shift catastrophic thoughts like "They haven’t texted back, so they must be losing interest" to "They might just be busy, and that doesn’t mean they don’t care."
• Somatic Work: Engage in bilateral stimulation exercises (e.g., tapping, butterfly hug technique) to calm the nervous system.

Myth #2: "Avoidant attached people just don’t need or want relationships."

Truth: Avoidant attachment doesn’t stem from a lack of desire for connection, but rather from learned self-reliance due to emotional neglect or unresponsive caregivers. Avoidantly attached individuals suppress their emotions because they were taught, either explicitly or implicitly, that their needs wouldn’t be met. They may appear distant, but deep down, they still crave emotional intimacy, they just don’t trust it.

Healing Strategies for Avoidant Attachment

To help avoidant attachment, individuals must learn to reconnect with their emotions and feel safe expressing them.

Co-Regulation Practices:

• Slowly practice emotional openness by sharing smaller emotions before diving into deep vulnerability.
• Use journaling as a tool to process emotions before expressing them to a partner or friend.
• Increase physical and emotional closeness in low-pressure ways (longer hugs, small acts of affection, direct communication).

Self-Regulation & Therapy Tools:

• Somatic Awareness: Pay attention to bodily sensations when you feel the urge to withdraw from relationships. Recognising discomfort is the first step to working through it.
• Challenging Self-Reliance Narratives: Many avoidantly attached individuals believe that needing people is a weakness. Reframing this belief to "Healthy interdependence is a strength" can be transformative.
• Inner Child Healing: Ask yourself, “What did I need to hear as a child when I felt dismissed?” Then, practice giving yourself that reassurance.
• Polyvagal Regulation: Engage in safe social engagement activities like eye contact, laughter, and gentle touch, which help rewire the nervous system toward safety in connection.

Myth #3: "Disorganised attachment means someone is just unstable or unpredictable."

Truth: Disorganised attachment is often rooted in early trauma or inconsistent caregiving where a child experienced both comfort and fear from the same caregiver. This creates internal conflict, leading to difficulty trusting relationships. Individuals with disorganised attachment may experience both a fear of abandonment and a fear of closeness, which can cause them to cycle between seeking intimacy and pushing it away.

Healing Strategies for Disorganised Attachment

Healing from disorganised attachment requires creating a sense of internal safety and working through past trauma.

Co-Regulation Practices:

• Identify safe, stable relationships where trust can be built gradually.
• Practice naming and validating emotions without judgment (e.g., "I feel anxious right now, but that doesn’t mean I am actually in danger.").
• Seek a trauma-informed therapist trained in EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), or somatic therapy to process past experiences.

Self-Regulation & Therapy Tools:

• Parts Work (IFS Therapy): Understanding the conflicting "parts" inside you that respond to connection differently.
• Tracking Body Cues: Learning to distinguish between real danger and a nervous system trigger.
• Grounding Techniques: Activities like cold water exposure, deep breathing, or humming help regulate the nervous system.

Moving Toward Secure Attachment

Regardless of attachment style, there are universal strategies that help foster secure attachment:

✅ Self-Compassion: Healing takes time—perfection is not the goal.

✅ Safe Relationships: Surround yourself with people who offer reliability, respect, and emotional openness.

✅ Emotional Regulation Skills: Practices like breathwork, movement, and mindfulness help manage overwhelming emotions.

✅ Therapy & Support: Working with an attachment-informed therapist can provide invaluable guidance.

✅ Challenging Limiting Beliefs: Instead of thinking, “I’ll always be this way,” shift to “I am learning new ways to connect.”