Understanding the Four Attachment Styles

Understanding the four attachment styles

Have you ever wondered how to build a good strong foundation for your child so that they feel safe, secure and strong going into adulthood? Or maybe you’re struggling with yelling; but you get so triggered and you don’t know why or how to stop yelling. Both of these thoughts actually come down to your attachment style.  

Each of us come into parenthood with our own upbringing behind us. Sometimes this has left us with strong examples of how we want to parent. And sometimes this has left us with some pre-existing triggers we might not have even realised were there. This forms our attachment style and explains so much about many different aspects of our lives. The attachment style you have now will actually stem from the first few years of your childhood. Whether you were raised with gentle parenting techniques or you are new to it, understanding Attachment Theory and your current Attachment Style are key to moving forward.  

You know how when you build a vegetable garden you start with good soil full of rich nutrients that will help your plants to grow with strong roots and plenty of fruit? A secure attachment is much the same. We are laying the foundations for how they will grow into communication, relationships and their response to conflict or rejection for example. But this is about far more than meeting their physical needs through things like food and shelter. This is about how we go about meeting their emotional, mental and psychological needs too.  

About 50% of the population currently has a Secure Attachment meaning that all their basic and higher needs were met as children. They have learned to co-regulate, communicate well, set boundaries, form strong relationships with others and can manage conflict. For these people their attachment style sets them up to respond to their children in a way they can also meet their child’s higher needs too. Sadly, this means that 50% of the population have an insecure attachment. There are actually 3 types of insecure attachments each impacting our triggers and how we respond to different situations in life. I cover the attachment styles in my podcast here and I’d love to invite you to take a listen as it is so key to understanding our inbuilt responses and why they are the way they are.  

If you feel frustrated by your child’s need for constant attention or you find yourself prone to yelling when you are not being heard this is probably because of your attachment. If your higher needs were not met as a child it can actually be triggering to have your child need that from you. Your instinctive response comes from how you were responded to and can trigger feelings of those needs being unmet, even if you were completely unaware that you ever had needs that weren’t met fully. As a parent you want the best for your children. You want them to grow up to be healthy adults who know how to emotionally regulate and feel secure in their relationships. So it is really important for their growth too that they develop a secure attachment in childhood.  

Remember that your attachment style was formed long ago in your early childhood. If you struggle with an insecure attachment it is not your fault. Understanding your current style gives you the space to heal and a starting point to learn how to meet your child’s higher needs. Motherhood is not easy especially if when there is healing to be done. I am here for you as you learn about your attachment style, begin to meet your own needs and move through the process of learning to parent gently.  

If you are interested in learning more about your attachment style and how to heal to become more secure, click here to enrol in the Understanding Your Attachment Style course. 

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