You may have noticed something surprising happening as your child grows.
They reach a certain age (maybe three, five, seven) and suddenly you feel off.
It might be hard to explain.
You feel more easily triggered.
More reactive.
Less patient.
Maybe even anxious or deeply sad.
You look at your child and something clicks in your body; this is how old I was when it happened.
The trauma.
The neglect.
The abandonment.
The moment you stopped feeling safe.
This experience is more common than most people realise.
And we can choose to see it as an invitation for healing.
This is not you failing. This is your nervous system remembering.
Our early childhood experiences live on in us not just as memories, but as imprints in our nervous system.
When our children reach an age that mirrors a traumatic or painful moment from our own past, it can activate a powerful emotional and physical response.
You may not even consciously remember what happened to you at that age, but your body does.
When something in the present moment activates the emotional state of a past trauma, we can feel triggered. You’re suddenly no longer responding as an adult parent, but from the inner child part of yourself who never got what they needed.
Why This Feels So Intense
Let’s look at what’s going on beneath the surface, through a few of the therapeutic lenses I use in my work:
Attachment Theory
If your early relationships with caregivers was experiencing fear, inconsistency, or emotional neglect, then these same stages in your child’s development might unconsciously remind you of those unmet needs.
Seeing your child receive what you didn’t or behave how you weren't allowed to can feel deeply unsettling.
On the flip side, watching them suffer in ways you did can reawaken a sense of helplessness or rage.
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
IFS teaches us that we all have different “parts” within us. Think of it like the kids' movie 'Inside Out' with all the emotions people living in our mind. When your child reaches a certain age, it can activate a wounded child part of you that holds trauma, sadness, fear, or confusion.
At the same time, other parts might rush in to protect you (the reactive part, the yelling part, the shutting-down part). They’re trying to manage your pain but often in ways that recreate the harm you're trying to avoid.
Somatic
You may feel body-based symptoms such as:
Tight chest
Shallow breathing
Muscle tension
Brain fog
Panic or shutdown
These are not signs that you’re a bad parent.
They’re signs that your body is speaking a language it learned a long time ago that you needed for protection or survival.
Common Experiences
Here are just a few examples of what this might look like in real life:
A mother becomes irritated with her 6-year-old for expressing fear at bedtime and later realises she was that age when she was first left home alone at night.
A parent feels completely overwhelmed and teary during their child’s first week of school, remembering how abandoned they felt at that same age.
A parent notices rage rise up when their toddler melts down in public, echoing their own memories of being shamed or smacked for “acting out.”
None of this means you’re broken.
It means your pain is asking to be witnessed, heard, seen, and no longer buried.
So, What Can You Do?
1. Name It With Compassion
The simple act of naming what’s happening can bring relief.
“This is reminding me of what I went through at that age.”
“This feels familiar because it is but it’s also different.”
Recognising this as a trauma trigger or attachment wound, not a failure of parenting, is the first step toward healing.
2. Get Curious About Your Inner Child
Spend some quiet time reflecting on what your child’s current age was like for you.
What was happening in your life?
How were you treated?
What did you need but didn’t get?
You might write a letter to your younger self, or simply imagine sitting beside them and offering the compassion they never received.
3. Tune Into Your Body
Notice where you feel tension, heat, or emotion. Try:
Placing a hand on your heart or belly
Taking a few slow, deep breaths
Naming a body sensation (“I feel tight in my chest”) without judgment
This helps your nervous system understand it is safe now.
4. Reach Out For Support
Therapy or counselling can provide a safe space to explore these patterns, make sense of the reactions you’re having, and begin to heal.
This kind of deep, compassionate work helps you care not only for your child, but also for the child you once were.
You don’t have to do this alone.
You’re Not Just Parenting Your Child. You’re Creating A Positive Ripple Effect For Future Generations.
Breaking cycles of intergenerational trauma is not about being a perfect parent.
It’s about becoming a good enough one.
One who pauses. Reflects. Repairs.
One who chooses love and connection, even when it’s hard.
Especially when it’s hard.
You are not failing.
You are healing.
And your healing matters for you, for your children, and for the generations to come.
Counselling Support for Parents
If you’re noticing yourself becoming triggered, overwhelmed, or disconnected during certain stages of parenting especially when your child reaches an age that mirrors your own painful past, you are not alone.
I offer trauma-informed counselling for parents navigating the complexities of healing while raising children.
Together, we can explore your story with compassion and care.
