In a culture that often promotes staying positive and calm at all times, it's easy to misunderstand what emotional regulation truly is. Emotional regulation is not about feeling happy all the time or forcing yourself to "look on the bright side" in every situation. Rather, it’s about recognising, experiencing, and processing our full range of emotions. We must learn to sit with discomfort as it comes and goes, and develop the resilience to ride out life’s waves.

Emotional Regulation vs. Toxic Positivity

First, let’s clarify what is actually meant by emotional regulation and toxic positivity.

Emotional Regulation is the ability to manage and respond to our emotions in a healthy way. It means being able to acknowledge our emotions, process them effectively, and respond appropriately to situations. This doesn’t mean always staying calm or suppressing our feelings; instead, it’s about understanding what we’re feeling, why we’re feeling it, and allowing ourselves to experience those emotions fully without being overwhelmed by them. This involves a mind-body connection because emotions move through our body too.

Toxic Positivity, on the other hand, is the insistence on maintaining a positive outlook no matter the circumstances. It often involves shaming, denying or minimising negative emotions, even when they’re valid and need to be felt. Statements like “Just look on the bright side” or “Everything happens for a reason” can dismiss someone’s pain, making people feel bad for simply experiencing normal human emotions.

While a positive mindset has its benefits, toxic positivity can be harmful because it invalidates our real experiences. Emotional regulation, in contrast, encourages us to embrace all of our emotions as natural and important, giving us the freedom to process and move through them.

Why Emotional Regulation Matters

Emotions are powerful indicators of our needs, boundaries, and desires. They help us navigate relationships, make decisions, and connect with ourselves on a deeper level. By practicing emotional regulation, we:

1. Build Resilience
   Learning to sit with discomfort allows us to face challenges without becoming overwhelmed. Each time we practice emotional regulation, we build resilience and become better equipped to handle life’s ups and downs. We can expand our window of tolerance.
2. Strengthen Relationships
   When we understand our emotions, we can communicate more effectively with others. We’re better able to express our needs and listen with empathy, fostering stronger, more authentic connections.
3. Improve Mental Health
   Suppressing or ignoring emotions can lead to issues like anxiety, depression, and even physical health problems. When we allow ourselves to feel and process our emotions, we create a healthier, more balanced mindset.
4. Enhance Self-Awareness
   Emotional regulation encourages us to look inward and ask questions about why we’re feeling a certain way. This builds self-awareness, helping us understand our triggers, boundaries, and values.

Practical Steps to Practice Emotional Regulation

So how can we practice emotional regulation in our daily lives? Here are some steps that can help us better understand and manage our emotions:

1. Acknowledge All Emotions Without Judgment

The first step in emotional regulation is to accept all emotions as natural. Rather than labeling emotions as “good” or “bad,” try to see them as messages. Feeling sad, angry, anxious, or disappointed is just as valid as feeling happy or excited. Allow yourself to feel each emotion fully, without guilt or shame, and remember that each feeling has a purpose.

Example: If you’re feeling frustrated, take a moment to acknowledge that feeling without trying to push it away. Ask yourself why you feel this way and what it’s telling you about your needs or boundaries.

2. Practice Mindfulness to Stay Present

Mindfulness is a powerful tool for emotional regulation. It encourages us to focus on the present moment without judgment, allowing us to experience our emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them. By practicing mindfulness, we can observe our thoughts and feelings as they arise and pass, rather than getting lost in them.

Example: When you’re feeling anxious, pause and take a few deep breaths. Focus on the sensation of your breath moving in and out, and gently bring your attention back to the present moment each time your mind wanders.

3. Reflect and Reframe

After acknowledging your emotions, take time to reflect on what might be behind them. Emotions often have layers, and understanding these can help us respond in a healthier way. Reframing doesn’t mean denying how we feel; it’s about finding a constructive perspective that allows us to process emotions rather than being controlled by them.

Example: If you feel disappointed after a setback, try reframing it by recognising the effort you put in and the lessons you learned. This doesn’t mean ignoring the disappointment, but rather seeing it as part of a larger and sometimes more necessary journey.

4. Embrace Self-Compassion

When dealing with difficult emotions, self-compassion is essential. It’s easy to fall into patterns of self-criticism or judgment, but being kind to ourselves can make all the difference. Self-compassion involves treating ourselves with the same empathy and understanding that we would offer a friend.

Example: If you’re feeling down or overwhelmed, try speaking to yourself kindly. Remind yourself that it’s ok to feel this way, and that you’re doing your best.

5. Seek Support When Needed

Emotional regulation is a skill that can take time to develop, and it’s okay to seek support along the way. Talking with a friend, therapist, or counsellor can provide valuable perspective and guidance. Emotional regulation doesn’t mean doing everything alone; it’s about finding healthy ways to process our emotions, sometimes with the help of others.

The Importance of Emotional Honesty in a Positive Culture

Our culture’s focus on positivity can make it difficult to express feelings that aren’t happy or optimistic. But true well-being involves a balance of all emotions. By practicing emotional regulation, we’re allowing ourselves to experience the full spectrum of emotions, which ultimately leads to a richer, more fulfilling life. It’s okay not to feel okay sometimes, and it’s healthy to acknowledge that life isn’t always positive.

When we allow ourselves to fully feel, process, and release emotions, we build resilience, empathy, and self-awareness. This is the real beauty of emotional regulation: rather than denying life’s challenges, we face them with honesty, strength, and compassion.

Embrace the ebbs and flows, and know that there is light in the darkness, rain in the drought, and a chance for renewal in every challenging season.